Thursday, August 01, 2002

Dreams of Risk

I'm trying to figure out why I keep having dreams where I'm taking huge risks. Maybe blogging them out will help.

Earlier tonight (hello, insomnia) I dreamed of crossing railroad tracks in my car as the gates were coming down. In one instance I actually drove around the gates to get where I was going. (Then my car morphed into a bike with a flat front tire. I was riding it anyway, and rode to a hardware store to buy some Fix a Flat. The hardware store turned out to be nothing but a glorified pet store and they didn't have anything to fix my tire. The guy just pumped up my front tire for me and sent me on my way.)

A couple of nights ago I dreamed of driving on the freeway in the middle of the night while intoxicated and noticing police nearby and wondering if I was going to get pulled over.

In neither instance did I have any regard for my own safety, the safety of others, my career, or my life-style. This is so blessedly out of character that I really don't know what to make of these dreams.

I've also had a couple of dreams about receving hostilities from men. They were either making rude sexual comments or were trying to rape me. I have no idea what my subconscious is trying to tell me here. I'm on good terms with all of the men in my life - and there are a blessed lot of them.

Okay, now that I've blogged a bit I think I have discovered the cause of these dreams - all of them. I'm not sure how they're connected, but it 'feels' correct. I've been reading a really cool book called, "In a Different Voice." Is has a lot to do with self-talk and I've been learning a lot about myself from it. I've learned that, in order to survive, I've taught myself how to think like a man and logic like a man and for a long time I silenced the feminine voice inside me. Now I'm learning how to listen to both voices (minds) and achieve balance.

For example, I'm just now starting to acknowledge that - like so many other women - my feelings get hurt when an immediate coworker leaves the office and doesn't say goodbye to me. In the past, this feeling never would have made it to my mind. It wouldn't have been acknowledged. It would have been ignored by the masculine mind. Now, my heart can go "ouch!" and my mind will acknowledge it and say, "Sandy, if that person had a problem with you or if he were mad at you, he would tell you. He probably didn't say goodbye because he knows you're busy and didn't want to bother you." And then the hurt feeling is resolved and goes away ... instead of hanging around for weeks because it was ignored.

I mean, guys have this wonderful way of confronting you when something's wrong. They're pretty much face-value kind of beings, and I cherish them for that.

I'm figuring it out. Slowly but surely. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep, now.