Saturday, August 17, 2002

Revelations

I'm on the recovery side of Post Traumatic Stress. It used to be that something would occur in my life that would cause a strong emotional response [crying, angry, 'survival mode'], and I didn't know why I was responding so strongly. It confused the hell out of others, too, especially if the response seemed inappropriate for the occurrence [only the people closest to me ever saw it, I was good at hiding it otherwise].

In the last few months I've learned how to talk to myself or 'parent' myself, and now most of the time when I feel a strong emotional response I'm able to calm myself and remember what caused me to respond that way [because it is now safe to do so] - to remember what about that incident caused strong emotional response in the past instead of blocking out the memory [and feelings] again. ... which means reliving some things.

But, reliving it, acknowledging it, and feeling it helps it to go away. It's AMAZING. [seems so simple, doesn't it?] Now that I'm an adult I can comfort my 'child' self and let it go. It's like an avalanche - a very terrible, big, loud yet beautiful thing, and when it's all over with there is ubiquitous peace and the mountain is less burdened for it.

I've been dubbed a 'normal person,' which is a concept that was foreign to me until now, but I'm getting used to it. :-)