Saturday, October 19, 2002

Be Careful what You Wish For

My coworker took a few of my notecards to the farmer's market in Poway with him this weekend. I only gave him six. I should have given him more. He asked me for a set of them and I didn't deliver. I'm usually a maniac about deadlines and fulfilling what I say I'm going to do, and my lack of follow through distrubs me.

So, I thought about it. Why didn't I follow through? I've never asked myself before. The answer I gave myself is true and has been true all of my life. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of success when it comes to my art and my craft because it's the thing in life I want to do the most.

Okay, here comes the psycho-babble. Everything that has been top priority to me in my life has either been taken away by others, or betrayed by others, or when I was helpless brick walls were placed in my way so that I could not attain my heart's desire. I'm afraid that if I start being successful in my art and crafts, someone is going to come along and destroy my dream.

Because this is THE BIG DREAM in my life, it's really all I have left. I've accomplished Maslov's bottom tier of the needs heirarchy, and I've progressed to other tiers since - which frees me up to actually DO a lot of the stuff I thought I wouldn't be able to do until retirement.

I'm still scared, even though I was able to see this truth, but I'm going to have to take a chance. I got up this morning and assembled lots of sets of notecards and even made some extra ones out of the homemade paper and pressed flowers I've had hanging around for a while. I've assembled my collection of recent drawings to go get them matted and sealed today so that they can be sold at the Poway Street Fair next month. I'm finally doing it!!! Well, I'm starting, anyway.

Fortunately, I have some terriffic friends right now who totally support me in my artistic endeavors and who are very encouraging. I'm a lucky gal.

Okay... here I go ...