Thursday, September 05, 2002

Weird dream.

Dreamed I moved back to Michigan to live near my son. I was very unhappy about living there. I was back in the old farmhouse and was overwhelmed with a lot of the bad memories I had while in that place. It was very dark. Very dim.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Great weekend!

I met a guy. Mutual physical attraction is a great thing, especially as you start to get to know him you discover that you're fundamentally compatible. I'm not getting all stupid about this one. I just want to see what happens.

Talked to my big brother today. I called him out of the blue. I had just done some journaling in my special little log with all of the beautiful pressed flowers and pastel colors on it called "Mother: This is Why I Hate You." I was tearing apart the elements of the nasty-gram she had sent me for my birthday, and when I was done, it really sank in how much she is responsible for keeping us siblings apart. I mean, it really struck at the core of my being how her badmouthing of us to each other has kept a wedge driven betwixt us. The urge to do something about it was overwhelming.

It was the most amazing feeling in the world to reach out to someone I love and actually have them reach back. With my sister, it was more natural because we have a clean slate. With my brother, it was different. The fortress of years of separateness built up so strongly over time came tumbling down as easily as an adobe wall in the rain. We were able to connect in ways we never have before.

I think he (finally) no longer sees me as the little child he remembers, but as an adult who is capable of making her own determinations about life - to a point. He still insists that my political and life decisions are influenced by the liberal state in which I live and was raised - all bean sprouts and tofu - instead of crediting my decisions with years of personal deliberation. Ah, well. It's progress, and I'll take it! We talked for a long time and cleared a lot of the air between us.

We've jelled. I can't remember the last time I was so happy. Now, I have three people in my family with whom I can connect on some level. [my son, my sister, and now my older brother] This is such a miracle to me. I feel so much less alone as a result. I think I could actually call one of my siblings with a problem and not feel shame for having gotten myself into a dilemma or that I'm being weak in sharing it. It would be difficult for me to actually practice this, but at least the thought is there, and it's a start. I'm not going to rush things. I'm just going to savor the moment.

That seems to be my theme right now: Savor the moment. Don't rush the guy thing. Don't rush the personal development. Don't rush into inundating the siblings with sudden outpours of emotion. Just enjoy the connection. Allow everyone involved to get used to it. Let it flow. Yeah.

This is a new thing for me; the savoring of the moment thing. I'm so accustomed to rushing into everything. But, I see now that rushing causes mistakes sometimes. Quality is sometimes lost. And, what is life without quality?