Thursday, May 01, 2003

I have never been happier in my entire life than I am at this moment.

Is it boring to read about other people's happiness and success? Maybe. I'm sure people look at me today and see just a normal, average, every-day kind of person with bills to pay and a job to go to. I'll bet that none of them can imagine what a miracle and blessing every new day is to me.

It's funny, this migration into normality. I marvel that sometimes I can actually complain about needing to change manicurists because the one I have doesn't do this or that. Me. And the worst thing I have to complain about is my manicurist?

Five years ago I never would have dreamed of having a regular manicurist. I barely even got my hair cut! I wore thriftstore clothes, no jewelry, no make up, and I always looked tired, and I always looked like I was bearing the weight of the world (yes, people often told me that). I was trying to save the world when what I most needed to do was take care of myself. I agonized over every pound I was over the doctor's standard weight chart. I never allowed myself to cry. I never pampered myself, treated myself to anything, and then when I rarely did I felt guilty because it was money I could have spent on the kids or saved for their education or whatever. I never dealt with things as they happened, but hid my emotions (there's that military bearing I was raised to always display). Sometimes I wouldn't cry over an even until six months later.

Sure, I still have moments where I slip back into that life, but they're so rare these days that they are noticeable and I can recognize the situation that triggers that survival behavior. Now I can use those survival skills as a tool only when necessary and not run around like a scared animal all of the time.

As my friend Michael was always fond of saying, "Never been better, never had more." Yeah, Michael. That's the ticket. When you realize that very thing, then you can enjoy the day. No matter what kind of day it is.