Thursday, January 30, 2003

So, how do you know whether you're really in love? Is it the knowledge that you would rather die than hurt this person? Is it the way he makes you laugh until you think you're going to pee your pants? Is it the fact that you cherish him and his wisdom, and see him as a valuable human being and wish there were more people like him in the world because then the world would be a better place? Does the fact that he's super-sexy count and you're having the best sex of your life factor in here?

I've been busier than - to quote a former spouse and friend - a three-dicked goat in a sheep fucking contest. Work is growning exponentially. Christmas with the family went over well. Everyone behaved. There are still a lot of things about my childhood mother that make me very angry, but I keep reminding myself that she is a different person now than she was then - just as I am a different person now than I was then. The hurt, neglected, and abused little girl is still angry at her now and then, but the adult woman pities the woman who has never known the love of her daughters.

And, still, I feel a huge emptiness and void that only my younger (no longer little) brother can fill. He has been angry with me for so long. Will he ever be able to let go?

I talked to my mother on the phone today. She was - for the first time in my life - honest with me about her feelings. She admitted something to me [though minor, significant] that made me realize that she is being genuine in her attempts to reach out to me. Of course, I'm suspicious and over-cautious, but hope springs eternal, and I can't help but wonder if we can maybe be close some day.

It's awkward to think of rebuilding with someone you've grieved. I'm keeping a realistic view on this as a woman grown, but the little girl is crying out for the mommy she never had. It's almost torturous, and I'm afraid to go forward.

But, when it comes to my heart, I'm a risk taker. I've not yet given up on finding a healthy love relationship with a man [have I found one?], and, I guess, I've not yet given up on having a love relationship with my parents ... even though they both have violated every right to deserve the esteemed and cherished title of "Parent."

Maybe I'm just damn naieve, but thank whatever god there is that I am, because to feel is real and to feel is to be alive, and I'm so thankful that - even though life has dealt me some pretty harsh cards in the past - I'm able to still fall in love with people, sunsets, animals, children, beautiful plants, airplanes, and anything else that moves me. I'm thankful that I've not become numb to the beauties of this world.

May it always be so no matter what else life deals me.