Friday, December 10, 2004

Depression. It's a weird thing. You want to (insert activity here) but, somehow, you just CAN NOT do it. It's like there's this barrier, this weird plasmic physical barrier that keeps you from doing anything. It's so strange. You might think in your mind and feel in your heart, "Hey, I'd really like to go to the movies." But, somehow, you just can't do it. You end up just going home and staring at the ceiling or reading a book or playing a mind-numbing game on the computer.

I call it my "inertia problem."

Things are better than they were. I'm able to quite literally force myself to do things - like going to painting class, having lunch with friends, taking a shower. Last night I actually wanted to go to painting class and didn't have to force myself. I thought that was pretty good.

But, I've managed to really piss off one friend who felt I was ignoring him. I really didn't want to inflict myself on anyone so I just layed low for a while. I don't know if I'll hear from him again. I've made other friends feel neglected because I really don't want to talk to anyone right now.

It's a scary place to be. Fortunately, I know it's only temporary. At first it was like living in a fog and not knowing whether I would ever see light again. I've had some professional reassurance that I will be out of the fog someday. Getting over stuff takes time, I was told, and trying to force it can only make things worse.

So, I've decided to look at the whole thing like I'm way out in the ocean and I'm riding a wave toward shore. I can see the shore, but it's a long, long way out there. But, it *is* there and I am moving toward it. Slowly. Very slowly. But surely. And, I will eventually get there so long as I don't start thrashing around like I'm trying to swim toward shore. That will just attract a bunch of sharks, and I'm too far from shore to swim there, anyway.

Being an impatient person and a "fixer," this is not always easy to do, but I'm working on it. Or should I say, I'm just riding the wave.